Three and Out November 16, 2009

I’ve been seeing more and more photo albums pop up on people Facebook pages in the weeks since Halloween and there is a growing phenomenon which continues to bother me.  Halloween is all about costumes, the scary ones, the creepy ones, the slutty ones, the funny and or really clever ones… they’re all good.  Sometimes even the last-minute ones can be the most inventive and at least show a little bit of thought and effort.  You know the kind: the guy who shows up wearing a hefty bag because he’s “white trash”. The definition of a costume is dress or garb characteristic of another period, place, person, etc.

That being said there are certain last-minute effortless costumes that bother me. The kind that you might as well not even bother with. There is always the girl who puts on some leggings and basically all of the ugly colorful things she owns and is a generic 80’s montage of a person… cop-out.  And there is the guy who wears a wife beater and jeans and says he’s a redneck… it’s not a costume if it’s your real life buddy. But the one I have been seeing all over the place that really aggravates me is girls wearing football jerseys and jeans with maybe some team colored ribbons in their hair or some black smudges under their eyes if you’re lucky.  What are you supposed to be? A sports fan? Because if you owned that jersey already you are a fan… so it’s not a costume it’s… what you wear on Sundays. A football player? I’m going to at least need some spandex pants to go with or maybe you could cleverly fashion some kind of pads? You know… try a little.

Oh I know! If it’s an Aaron Rogers jersey you might be going as me for Halloween.  Now that’s a clever costume.  So dear 20 something girls, if that’s the best you can do, don’t even bother next time.  Or do us all a favor and make a $20 trip to the local Party City and buy… ANYTHING!

I Love the Fresh Scent of Gain November 5, 2009

I am a terrible insomniac, the only person who never took naps even as a child (much to my mother’s chagrin) and to this day it takes me nearly an hour to fall asleep after I lay down, no matter how tired I may be.  And during that hour and sometimes for many more after when I can’t sleep my brain is running a million miles a minute. And it’s usually now about anything important. It goes something like this: “I wonder what shirt would look cute with those boots tomorrow?… Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there… I wonder if anyone I follow in Twitter is still awake too… you know what I miss, Skip it… yeeeeah those were awesome… I think I left something in the dryer, that’s gonna wrinkle…why is dryer lint always the same color?” And that’s where about I got stuck the other night. And I spent far too much time mulling over the topic in my head.

I mean if every time you wash the load is different why is the lint always nearly the same? If I wash a load of blacks and then a load of whites why instead of dark almost black line and crisp white lint do I end up with two slightly varied wads of the same old greyish, bluish, purplish lint? Dryer lint is composed of what I can only assume is fibers off of the clothing in question.  So I would understand a load of jeans producing this bluish glob… but why blacks and whites. For white first I pondered if perhaps it was bluish because of the fact that yet another mystery of the universe is the fact that every detergent I have ever used is blue. Why is that? I suppose for the same reason tampon and sanitary napkin commercials always use blue in their informative video demonstrations. Blue is the color of clean. But then wait of the blue is from the detergent why is the lint from my blacks not… black? The blue wouldn’t cover black.

And then I resolved the debate with myself swiftly and harshly. “Why is dryer lint always the same color? Who really freaking cares you weirdo! Shut the hell up and go to sleep. Oh and by the way… BY MENNEN!”

The Untouchables October 29, 2009

We’ve all seen them… covered in lace, embroidered with monograms, emblazoned with cutesy appliques, folded over rods, draped through loops and perched on the edges of sinks. They are… the decorative hand towel. And the only thing worse than the decorative towel you know you’re not supposed to touch… is the decorative soap sitting idly next to it. How dare you get it wet and begin to smooth out its carefully carved and molded edges!  Just imagine what would happen if just anyone used that soap. Why that seashell would just be a sad little triangle, and those initials, well who would be able to read those anymore? It’s just barbarism!

Nothing seems more pointless to me than soaps and towels you’re not supposed to use being on display in a bathroom.  First of all, I can only assume the people who own these items are trying to impress the guests in their bathroom. And surely nothing impresses more than wet unsoaped hands you have to wipe off on your own jeans.  Not only is this impractical but, wasteful. I for one can honestly say that there isn’t a single item in my house that I have not, do not currently or will not in the future actually use. And just to clarify display/decoration is a use for a painting… not a hand towel. I am willing to bet the same people who get upset when people use their decorative hand towels also own candles that they have never and will never light, and vases that have never held flowers and never will, and that at least one piece of furniture somewhere in their house still have some sort of protective coating of some kind on it. And that’s what really bothers me. Not the towels and the soaps but people need to impress and build a facade. It’s a bathroom, not a museum.

In today’s materialistic world people talk about the need to have everything, but some people seem to have a need for two of everything. Their “nice” set and their everyday set.  The only version of this phenomenon which exists in my house is that I have everyday dishes and I have fine china. But to be fair, the china does actually get used occasionally. It’s like buying a new wardrobe and still only ever wearing your old clothes because you’re afraid the new ones with get dirty.  Or buying a brand new computer and using your old own because you don’t want the fancy one to get a virus.  At the end of the day things get dirty, and scratched, and bend and broken.  But guess what,  that’s why we clean things, and we glue things back together, and we pick things up and dust them off and move on with life.  And that’s why my guest bathrooms each contain two solid colored hand towels, and metal liquid soap pumps.  It’s not the Ritz but guess what… no one is wiping their hand on their pants.

Foot Pneumonia October 18, 2009

I’m currently on vacation in San Francisco California with my husband and the in laws and somehow the trip out here wasn’t worthy of a post. It was honestly the most trouble/annoyance free trip I’ve ever made.  And there hasn’t been too much here that’s been on my nerves either… which I suppose is the point of vacation. Though we all know they don’t always turn out that way.

I did however see something over and over again on the streets of the city today that did tweak at a pet peeve of mine.  Today was windy, cloudy and a high of about 58 in the city. I myself was wearing skinny jeans, flats, a camisol with a cardigan over it, and a matching beanie because well… I have no hair to keep me warm.  And while it wasn’t “cold” I kept seeing women wearing everything from long wool peacoats to scary Lion Witch and the Wardrobe fur coats, paired with flip flops, or sandals. Now… if it’s cold enough you need a jacket… aren’t your poor naked feet freezing? This reminded me of two things.  First, the time my mother yelled at me for being barefoot in the cold because I was going to catch “Foot Pneumonia”… my Mom is nuts, in an unbeleivably adorable way.  And second, another similar pet peeve of mine… sleeveless sweaters. If it’s cold enough for you to need a thick sweater on your torso… aren’t your uncovered arms cold?

All I’m saying is, shouldn’t all the items of your outfit be in the same season?  Or at least not functionally retarded and nonsensical? I’m trying to save the world from a Foot Pneumonia Pandemic.

Top Five Things I Find Annoying…Today (Episode 2) October 12, 2009

I have decided to revisit a previous post of mine with a new list of the current top five things annoying me, because when it comes to me and the things that bother me about the world, there is always something, but you can never guess what it might be today.

#1.  People with an air of superiority. I want to throw them all off the pretty little pedestals they’ve built themselves.

#2. “Saved” Christians looking down on an atheist because they’re not as good and somehow not entitled to the same freedom to have their own beliefs (or lack there of), no matter how much you may disagree with them.  And don’t tell me you’ll pray for me… I might want to punch you in the face. And we heathens have poor self control at times.

#3. The Washington Post Sunday Crossword Puzzle. Nothing manages to make me feel less intelligent than those glaringly empty little white squares. And I’m pretty sure some of that stuff is plain old made up. But then we’ve already established in #2 that I’m a bit of a skeptic.

#4. People who are ALWAYS late. In today’s world where your Palm Pre can tell you when you’re going to need to take your next crap how is this still possible? There are clocks on phones, on iPods, on microwaves, on ovens, on cable boxes, on the task bar of your computer, on your wrist?… on WALLS! And somehow you neglected to look at ANY of them and caused me to have to wait 30 minutes for you to arrive past our agreed meeting time, or now the dinner I had ready for your arrival is cold or overcooked.  I believe this phenomenon is related to today’s #1.

#5. The fact that the “fashions” of the 80’s and 90’s are coming back to haunt me in my adulthood. I was in a Claire’s this weekend shopping for Halloween costume accessories and was disturbed to see 14 and 15 year olds picking out lacy Maddonaesque gloves, chunky plastic neon jewelry,  leg warmers, and a whole host of other travesties as their every day flare. The highlight was arriving at the checkout counter to be greeted by a plastic bin proudly displaying slap bracelet. For only $3.50 apparently you too can relive the 80’s

What a Croc October 6, 2009

The topic of Crocs shoes was recently suggested to me as a blog topic and well… I couldn’t agree more. I must admit they are a phenomenon I have never truly understood. I wear a pair of flats all day without stockings or socks and my feet sweat more than is socially acceptable for any woman, so the thought of sticking my feet in rubber shoes does not appeal to me in any way. Sure, they have little ventilation holes in them but unless they also come with a clip on foot fan I don’t see those doing a whole lot of good. It seems like you might at well buy a tube if tough actin’ Tenactin when you buy your Crocs because athletes foot is nearly inevitable.

It would seem the only true justification of rubber footwear involves protection from water, a pair of rain boots for puddle jumping, some hip waders for fishing… you get the idea. But these can’t even suit that purpose given the previously mentioned holes. Ok, so then maybe it’s because they’re presumably non-slip being as they are made of rubber. I can understand therefore the appeal for restaurant employees to a certain extent, but honestly the only person who has truly ever owned that look is Mario Batali with his signature orange Crocs. And I have a feeling that’s due more to the fact that the Iron Chef looks like a Viking who could rip your head off, than anything else. I mean who’s going to tell him he looks ridiculous?

Lastly, it annoys me that this idea is seen by some as so unusual or special… rubber shoes people?  Yeah… we’ve done that before. It was the late 80’s and they were called Jellies, and THOSE were awesome. I mean at least my cute little clear purple rubber sandals had glitter in them… beat that style!

What are you Talking About? September 29, 2009

It is a major pet peeve of mine when people who clearly know next to nothing about a given topic insist upon talking about it at length regardless.  This most often seems to be an issue when it comes to current events. In today’s world we get our news from so many sources in what is literally a 24-7 news cycle. There are tons of TV networks, radio shows, the internet, etc. and somehow people still seem to be clueless.  For example at work the other day I over heard a guy at work asking another co-worker “Did you hear that Venus and Serena Williams bought the Miami Dolphins?” I interjected that they had bought a fraction of the franchise but that I was 99% certain that no team was owned by just one person and that when people invest in teams they buy percentages of the franchise sort of like stock.  He rebutted that “you don’t think they can afford to buy a team? They both make like millions of dollars a year.” And I had to educate him to the fact that teams aren’t worth millions of dollars, NFL and MLB franchises are valued in the BILLIONS of dollars, I mean think about it… the players all make millions, just put that all together and think about how big we’re talking.  He still thought I was crazy. And I told him that if Serena and Venus Williams had just bought THE Miami Dolphins that there were going to be a lot of pissed off people like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony and Gloria Estefan etc… because they just got their asses bought out.

The conversation somehow moved from The Williams Sisters to Jay-Z when he proudly told me that “Jay-Z owns a basketball team.” I corrected him that once again he own like %1.5 of a basketball team and some Russian dude just bought the majority share of the team.  I mean apparently this guy thinks that celebrities buy teams like us regular people buy socks. It just frustrates me to no end when people talk about stuff with an air of authority like they know what’s going on and fill the mind’s of others around them with crap and all the while have no freaking clue that they’re completely wrong. And I’m not expecting people to know everything about everything in the world, or even something about everything. I just ask that people be aware of the fact that they’re talking out of their asses and… therefore, shut the hell up.  There is an old adage that I remember Thumper from Bambi teaching me as a child “If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say nothing at all.” Now I’ve never followed that one very well myself and this blog is evidence of that, but I did adapt my own version of that thought. “If you don’t have anything smart to say, then shut your stupid ass up… I mean, don’t say nothing at all.”

Public Service September 27, 2009

Almost every time I go to a restaurant or a store I am reminded of how some people in this country flat out don’t know how to act in public.  They are the people we lift up and unfold 10 shirts off a clothing display to look at them and make no attempt to limit the destructiveness of their actions or to repair the damage they have done because they have the attitude that “they pat someone to do that.” They are the people who go to a restaurant and ignore the waitress and point to what they want on the menu because they’re too busy talking on the phone and then later want 4 things on the side and something extra hot, or god knows what. And then they round their $40.13 bill up to $42.00 because they don’t get that you make $2.13 an hour so after her $2.00 tip you probably just made about $4.00 an hour… not a wage to live on.

That is why I believe that at some point in every American’s young life, each person should have to work in retail for 6 months and wait tables for 6 months. You having been in that position will learn how to tip, how to behave, that they do not have to be demeaning forms of work if asshole customers would stop making them that way.  I am always reminded of the scene in the movie Waiting where the customer thinks her steak isn’t cooked correctly and says “How hard is it to do your job?” Well mam… thanks to people like you, pretty damn hard most days.  I myself have worked in both fields, they were my first jobs in high school, and the part-time jobs that got me through college, and they drove me nuts because some people genuinely just don’t get what goes into it.  When I shop I try to avoid messing up displays and refold the things I’ve touched, and when I try on clothes that I decided I don’t want I put them back, instead of dumping them on the girl in the dressing room. Every time I am at a restaurant my husband and I prebus our own table when we are done with our food, and unless you were a complete idiot you’re getting at least a 20% tip.  Why… because I’ve been there and done that an I know how to act in public. I sure wish the rest of the world did.

Can’t Talk Right Now… Leave a Message September 21, 2009

My adventures at the dentist have been many lately. Firstly, about a month ago I finally worked up the will power to go the dentist and deal with among other things the gaping hole that had been visible in one of my molars for over a year. I had finally  convinced myself that playing in the hole with my tongue was NOT in fact going to make it go away. I take of work early, I force myself to show up… and am told that my insurance cannot be verified… what the hell people!  I, a completely stressed out hormonal mess leave the office and call my husband crying “I didn’t get to see the dentist! *Snortle*”  I end up finding out the HR dept. of my employer has given them my wrong social security number. A few weeks later it was fixed and I made a new appointment, which was even harder to make than the first one.

I show up to that one too, against my better judgement, and sure enough, after x-rays, digital photography and what felt like an archaeological expedition of my mouth I was given the prognosis. Five cavities all between teeth resulting in ten total filings.  So I schedule and appointment to come back and deal with the cleaning and the filings on the left side. That’s where today comes in.

I’m not the first person to write about how they hate it when they go to the dentist and they talk to you while they’re massacring the inside of your mouth, but it truly is annoying.  That being said, the hygenist was fairly good about only talking to me when she had her hands out of my mouth and I was free to move, swallow… and you know speak.  And aside from the fact that she made my gums feel like ground beef and scraped my teeth so hard I swear they’re smaller now, she was just… great.  The dentist, however, would ask things like “Is that sensitive?” Or “Are you doing OK?” etc… while I have her hands and those of an assistant in my mouth with picks apparently called “explorers” and suction tubes and water sprayers and what amounted to a foam rubber jack holding my jaw open.  And I’m sorry but there are a lot of things I can do while being accidentally water boarded by a dentist, and holding a conversation is NOT one of them. At one point I was only able to express my discomfort by making an ugly face and choking in my own saliva. It was… awesome. I was paying far too much attention today at the dentist especially to all the crap they were shoving in my mouth. I’m pretty sure at one point there were wooden shivs in my mouth… as if we were trying to level out the new window we were having installed! And now I know why she numbed the entire left side of my face from chin to lower eyelid, I think she could have drilled in my ear and I wouldn’t have caught on right away.

And just think… I get to go back again for them to do the other side.

Left is Always Right September 18, 2009

If you are from this country or have ever driven in this country you should be fully aware of the fact that people drive on the right hand side of the road.  And I for one was taught by my very capable mother and I’m sure reminded by others that the “right side” rule applied to other things as well. When you got up or down a wide staircase you stay on the right side for people to pass, when you walk down a hallways you stay on the right side in consideration of other people walking by… you get the point. It’s called manners, and it’s just how we do things.

Why then… oh please tell me why! when I am walking down the right side of a hallway and end up smashing into another person while rounding a blind corner… that person feels the need, neigh feels they have the right to give me the stink eye. You’re the dumbass walking down the wrong side of the friggin hallway! The only response you should have to damn near knocking me over is: “Oh my God I’m so sorry!” Let’s work on that for next time shall we?  Nothing gets me more fired up than when the person doing something wrong or stupid or otherwise inappropriate in a given situation is the one who dishes out buckets of scorn like it’s Christmas at the all you can hate buffet.  It makes me wonder of these people are just jackasses or truly that ignorant that they believe their victims to be in the wrong.