Peace… but never quiet.

It has come to my attention that I am extremely sensitive to sounds. You know, the strange nagging annoying little sounds the world is constantly bouncing off innocent eardrums, they are sounds I would define as noise pollution. This sensitivity I suppose has existed my entire life. I have always needed my room to be nice and quiet in order to fall asleep, only able to tolerate the steady whir of a fan or hum of an AC unit.  This has been causing me problems for about 4 years… ever since I asked my non husband to move in with me. Were he to be bestowed with and Indian name I would nominate “Breathes Like an Ox” and ” the Great Wind Sucker” for he paints with ALL the colors of the wind when he sleeps. Unfortunately for both me and his ribs which I frequently elbow his funny little nose snorty sounds keep me awake, and he always falls asleep before me.  It is almost as if the rest of the world fades into the background as I lay in bed and all I can hear is the all consuming sound of his breathing… and I slowly descend into madness and then it happens, the elbow takes flight.

A few months ago following a series of dental appointments which ended in 10 fillings, now refered to as my “new counter tops” I was gifted the ability to taste sounds.  My dental renovations had resulted in a level of sensitivity which was other worldly.  Every metallic ting or crinkle or squeak felt like chewing on foil and tasted like sucking on pennies.  A knife would squeak across a plate and I would salivate discomfort. I spent my days literally bracing my mouth for sound impact, to the point that I was pressing my tongue to my teeth and gradually, slowly and uncomfortably moving them within my mouth. The phenomenon grew worse the further the temperature dropped when winter came, and this winter was one for the record books. Eventually the weather warmed, my teeth began to heal and specially formulated toothpastes have striped me of my unique gustatory/auditory super powers.

Now that I’m not experiencing such physical discomfort from sounds I am able to simply hear them again and they are getting more and more annoying. Today at work I finally fought back against the noise. Just outside the door to my new and otherwise lovely office there is another door to a main traffic pattern through the building. This door opens approximately 600 times a day and every time it does the squeak of the hinges sounds like a pod of humpback whales is being set loose down the hallway.  And then when the door finally makes the long and loud journey back to its resting place it slams into its frame shaking the entire wall in front of me. After sitting at my desk all day yesterday losing a bit more of my mind to this distraction with each opening and closing, I decided today had to be a better day. The first order of business at work today was a heavy coating of WD40 on all of the doors moving parts, and the placement of multiple foam pads along the door frame to cushion the impact. The difference was immediate and… powerful. Today flavors were tastier and colors were brighter because the door wasn’t putting a damper on it all. I went back later and sprayed another celebratory layer on the hinges.  And I didn’t stop there, I sprayed my creeky chair and my squealing  hole punch.

And the next time my office mate disturbs my sanctuary with the rustle of his pant leg and squeak of his chair as he absent-mindedly bounces his leg, I’m throwing that can of WD40 at the back of his head.

What was That Again?

I am very annoyed by people who mispronounce simple, everyday words.  This annoyance is probably amusing to those who know me well as I am extremely dyslexic and therefore often jumble up my words in amusing fashion. But I like to consider my particular strain of foot and mouth disease to be a matter all it’s own.  What I’m talking about are normal every day words that are not switched up or even used improperly they are simply mispronounced.  I don’t consider it to be a dialect problem in most cases and if it were a matter of dialect… I appear to be annoyed by dialects that find certain letters in certain words to be somehow unnecessary. I can accept a silent “h” but not a silent “s” I mean some of the letters of the alphabet should have garnished a certain level of respect by now I would thing.  I’ll allow a silent “r” if you are from Massachusetts given the respect your state pays to the letter “s” just by existing, or if you are a child under three (that’s “free” or “dis many” in their dialect).

One of the words I hear butchered most often is fRustrated/fRustrating. People for some reason dislike the second letter of the word causing me to hear “fusstrating” a whole lot. And don’t get me started on the word ask, or why people in today’s world continue to pronounce it “axe.” No… you cannot “axe” me a question but I’d be happy to answer if you’d like to “asssssK” me one. Thank you… and good day. I think the thing I find odd about words like these being mispronounced is that often times the people who say them wrong can spell them correctly. These must be persons not fully or properly schooled in Phonics, or perhaps they have always said it funny and no one ever really corrected them. Then again perhaps there in a whole other reason I’m unaware of. I once knew a girl who for some strange reason couldn’t say “pumpkin” it always came out “punkin” and she knew it was wrong but was somehow powerless to stop herself.  So if anyone out there is reading this and knows they are guilty of such and offence please explain your affliction to me.  And I’ll take the time to explain why sometimes I can’t even form a complete sentence thanks to my dyslexia.  Trust me, I don’t claim to be a master of the language myself.

Also if while we’re at it someone can help me understand the difference between “affect” and “effect”. That would be great.

Can You Hear me now?

We’ve all encountered those people…the ones who feel the need to talk extra loud while on their cell phone.  I can just imagine their friends and family on the other end scrambling to turn down the volume on their ear piece as they get blasted away.  The funny thing about loud talkers in that they seem to be the people with the least to say.  Which causes me to wonder if the increase in volume is somehow meant to raise the level of importance associated with their conversation, in which case… Epic Fail.  All you have managed to raise is the level of douchery in the room.  First of all,  no one really wants to know what you’re talking about. Secondly, no one talks that loud on a regular basis (except for Samuel L. Jackson)… why so loud on the phone? Lastly, the technology of cell phones has improved by leaps and bounds over the years. It is NOT in fact a tin can tied to a very long piece of string you do not need to send your mega vibrations from here to your Aunt Penny in Michigan via good old fashioned larynx power… they have towers to help with that.  Talking extra loud on a cell phone feels kind of like yelling at a blind person to me…  it’s unnecessary, it’s not helping the person on the other end, and mostly it makes you look like a jack ass.

Loud phone talkers often have other odd habits such as choosing inappropriate subject matter, or having an unnatural phone voice.  Or even worse, that completely fake laugh they only do on the phone… that laugh makes my skin crawl.  I also dislike people using their phones at inappropriate times (see previous bathroom post), in line to check out somewhere, at a restaurant when the server is trying to take their order. I mean how rude must you be to pay more attention to someone on the phone and presumably miles away than someone standing right in front of you.  It seems as if the phrase “I’m going to have to call you back” has been lost in today’s vocabulary.  Nowadays there are so many ways to be annoying on the phone, and more and more people seem to be adopting those habits to the detriment of the public at large.