Follow the Leader

I consider myself to be an intelligent person, now that being said there are several modern day phenomenon which I must admit I do not understand. One of them is traffic. I understand stop and go “traffic” where there are stop lights because well… that makes sense. You have to all stop, and then as the light turns green there is an inevitable lag between the first car, second car, third… you get the idea, all getting moving again. But why is there traffic on interstates. They have no true beginning or end for the most part and no stop lights. And I understand accidents occur and lanes are blocked etc. which is an obvious exception. But even in high volume situations, isn’t driving on the highway a very large high speed game of follow the leader? I mean in theory (and perhaps this is where I go wrong… theorizing) there is one guy leading the pack on the highway, one guy with no one in front of him, on a long lonely road (cue country music). And if that one guy keeps moving, then everyone behind him, no matter how many of them there are should keep moving.

This is the point of my ponderings in which I realize that this theory is based upon the subsequent theory that the people following the leader are familiar with the concept of merging. And you’d think by now I would have realized this couldn’t possible be the case. But even the average hick up from a merge, a brake light here, a slow down there… does that need to bring everything to a halt? Does a brake light on the New Jersey Turnpike overturn a tractor trailer on interstate 85 in Georgia is some sort of bizarre mutated Traffic Butterfly Effect?

I don’t get it and the more I think about it, the less it makes sense and the more I want that flying car that science fiction movies have been promising me since the early 1980’s. Those movies were all set in the crazy futuristic word of 2015 and had flying everything. Either GM was really set back off the timeline by their recent bankruptcy or… they’re a bunch of lying bastards and I intend to find out which.

I mean if there is something I’m missing please explain I’d love to understand how something so simple seems to so regularly go so wrong.

Light Speed

Today on the morning drive to work it was raining, and when rain and driving mix people somehow seem to get stupider.  People do lots of things in the rain that really bother me. First of all, just because it’s moderately precipitating does not mean we all need to slow down to a snail’s pace. When it starts monsooning, hailing, or pushing your car off the road with gale force winds… we can slow down to nothing. But until then… they invented windshield wipers for a reason, and they actually work pretty damn well.

And on the topic of windshield wipers, I’m pretty sure every car manufactured in the last 20 years has what they call “variable speed wipers” which means exactly that, you can change the speed. Some have low (a.k.a. “I forgot those were even on”), medium, high, and holy shit settings, while others can be more finely tuned for speeds between these such as “misty morning” and “wow it’s really coming down out there.” I hate that squeaking screeching sound wipers make on a dry windshield when they are on too high of a setting for the rain currently falling, which is why for some reason even though I can’t hear the sound myself, it REALLY bothers me to see people driving around with their wipers on holy shit speed when it’s sprinkling.  There is no need to have your wiper blades whizzing noisily past your face at light speed when you have driven out of the storm and it’s not even raining anymore.  I mean they’re right there in front of your face, how can you not notice them? I guess it’s just another way in which drivers prove themselves to be completely oblivious to their surroundings… it’s pretty scary if you think about it.

The last thing about rain that bothers me is the number of people in Virginia (where I live) who still can’t get the whole “your headlights must be one whenever your wipers are” law…thingy.  I mean while you’re there engaging the wiper warp drive why not reach another inch to the right and flick on those lights?  I’m not surprised that people still can’t get this right only because it seems people haven’t figured out the other rule about headlights either… you know the one that says you have to turn them on when it’s DARK! I see people all the time cruising around at dusk without them on, and while yes it’s not pitch black yet it’s pretty dark and if you don’t have your headlights on the lights on your dashboard aren’t on either, which means you have no freaking clue how fast you’re going… again… pretty scary if you think about it.

Drive it… Like You Mean it.

I will be the first to admit that I am an impatient driver,with a need for speed and the only prescription is more cowbell! Alright… now that the video link fun is over, back on topic.  My motto behind the wheel is “drive it like you mean it.” Which basically means: pay attention to what you’re doing, at least go the speed limit, they invented turn signals for a reason… and if all else fails just get the hell out of my way. And this isn’t a new development, I wrote my 10th grade high school research paper on the risk associated with senior drivers. Not that all bad drivers are seniors but let’s be honest, quite a few are.  You know the type: the little old lady driving a huge Crown Vic ahead of you in the left turn lane who moves at 2mph her whole way around the corner. For you it feels like a slow painful eternity… but her, she’s pulling 5 G’s.

I understand that in certain driving situations reducing your speed is safe and even necessary: a torrential down pour, debris in the road, a broken traffic light, slow children playing… etc.  A ninety degree turn, however, should not be cause for alarm or a severe hindrance to you in any way.  As far as I know roads have ALWAYS had turns and intersections but for some they still appear a scary unknown thing for which extreme caution is warranted.  I’m not expecting checkered flag off the line in the turn lane but when you move so slowly that me… the person right behind you sees the light turn yellow  while still stranded behind you in the middle of the intersection, we have a problem. And I am more than certain that the people who designed that intersection intended for the sake of traffic flow for far more than just you to make it through the light.  Which brings up another annoying aside: The guy who falls asleep at the light and finally goes through just as it turns yellow leaving everyone else stranded behind him through another cycle… that guy… don’t get me started on him.

For me these types of offenses are even worse when I eventually pull up alongside the perpetrator (which is easy because they are going 5-10 under the speed limit) and discover that they are not an 80 year old woman… but someone about my age (mid twenties).  Or worse, the person is driving a high performance sports car with no clue how to drive it to the fullest of it’s potential, or how to perform remedial tasks for that matter.  I don’t get what it is and the way people drive these day drifting in and out of lanes falling asleep at lights and moving in slow motion I have to wonder if they are all drugged up Prozac/Valium zombies, and if they function like that in a car, how messed up is the rest of their life?  These are the types of people that spark within me the desire to use my favorite driving offense, some might call it “tailgating” but I prefer the term “persuasive intimidation. ” I’m sure someday this will get me into trouble, but for now I will continue to ride in your back seat… if it’s moving at 2mph. Patience is not a virtue I have ever possessed, just ask my husband.