Send Fanny Packs…Packing

At the behest off one of my most fashionable friends it has been requested that I rant about the timeless faux pas that is… the fanny pack! The fanny pack may have at one time been socially acceptable for mothers at Disney World who were required to carry the arsenal of band-aids and sunscreen and snacks etc. that goes along with having children… and needing their hands and apparently shoulders free of bags.  These days, however, are gone now and in my opinion (and I doubt that I am alone) no longer any valid reason… to own or regularly wear a fanny pack.

First of all, in today’s world there are any number of messenger bags, back packs, totes, purse, “man bags”, etc. that should be able to suit all of your cargo needs.  Secondly, fanny packs look stupid… I feel this requires no further explanation. Thirdly, and this is the important thing, what on Earth is so important that you feel it must be strapped to your torso within arms reach at all times, in a clear line of site.  I mean even the “football” is a briefcase! The fate of the world lies in a briefcase but your belongings need to be tethered to your waist? Please… explain.

Case and point, at my previous job the director was a 65 year old man. Not your typical 65 year old when it came to most things: he was a black belt, in good shape, had a much younger wife, etc. However, his wardrobe was definitely dated, to include acid washed tapered leg jeans, a lot of flannel and… a black leather fanny pack.  My co-workers and I spend many an hour contemplating it’s possible contents to no avail.  There he would be walking into the building each morning: old man wrap around extra dark sunglasses, bad jeans, slip on shoes, and the fanny pack.  But aside from the car keys in his hand what could need a home in the fanny pack? A wallet? Well… isn’t that why pants have pockets? a cell phone? Again… your pants have at least 4 pockets… 2 front, 2 back. The wallet is in one, and I’m not great at math but I’m pretty sure that leaves 3 vacancies. The secret to life? The nuclear arm codes… no wait, those are in the briefcase remember?

So at the end of the day… if you own a fanny pack, if you’ve ever used that fanny pack… don’t let it happen again. Unless you’re Chuck Norris, it does seem like a good place to store souls.